> CD #78: Forgiveness
Have you ever spent the entire day believing it’s Tuesday only to discover it is Wednesday? All day, I thought how nice it was that I still had one more day to write this week’s dispatch, and now, well, it’s officially late. Which is fitting because I had planned to write about how I can’t seem to escape my chaotic self, even when I’ve been holding it together for weeks, months, or years even.
It’s like no matter how hard I try and how successfully I handle myself, I can so easily fall back into old habits, mindlessly and instantly. For example, I recently bought this sweater vest—after publicly declaring I was never going down this road again—with nary a thought about the Think-More, Buy-Less Decision-Making Machine™. I also chose the most non-colour version of the vest when I could have gone with a beautiful emerald green.
So despite enjoying my purchase (it’s been great for chilly fall mornings), I’ve been a little disappointed in myself. I had come so far in my mindful approach to shopping, I thought, only to be derailed by what exactly? Nothing. No reason. Just a website and a whim.
It’s easy for me to feel like a failure when stuff like this happens. But I also recognize that I’m prone to all-or-nothing thinking, and I’ve done enough cognitive behavioural therapy to stop myself mid-rebuke and remember that progress does not always follow a straight line. Also progress, not perfection, is all I can realistically hope to achieve in this life.
I find myself applying these thoughts to my work, too, as I’m slowly putting together a book proposal. For a couple weeks, I was ticking along, energized by my kids’ return to school and the promise of wide-open days (until 2:45 p.m., anyway). I had finished some sample pages and they actually looked… ok? But then in the past few days, I’ve lost confidence again in what I’m doing. Then I fell down a rabbit-hole of social media jealousy—noting all the authors getting book deals, getting starred reviews, getting nominated for awards, and generally getting things done—and found myself only able to ink one or two panels, badly.
This summer my brother took me to a touring performance of Hamilton, which I had previously watched through FaceTime with my friend Julie on her brother’s Disney+ account during COVID restrictions, lolol. Seeing it live was obviously better, and when they got to that part in “It’s Quiet Uptown” when the chorus sings “forgiveness,” it shot straight into my heart like a bright arrow. I cried.
Now I can’t think that word without hearing it in those three resignedly hopeful notes, and it helps me remember that part of making progress means self-forgiveness, knowing all is not lost—and picking up where I left off despite the setbacks, self-incurred or otherwise.
Forgiveness. Can you imagine?
:) Teresa
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